the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
