you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
