You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
