I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize