I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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