I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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