My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
