i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
