Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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