Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
