i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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