When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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