I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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