Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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