I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He did a backflip because drugs
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize