this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
