dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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