Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
