Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
