1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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