I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize