i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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