If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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