Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
