Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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