Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
