Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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