You're so nebulous sometimes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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