As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
