I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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