I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize