Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
