I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You're earring is so big in my mouth
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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