I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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