i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
