I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
there is puke in my bra ... again
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
