I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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