just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize