the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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