just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
