They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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