Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I will pee on everything he values.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
