Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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