I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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