I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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