i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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