I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish you could order shots online.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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