I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
