We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Randomize
