Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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