i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
