Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
