I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
