New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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