i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
