He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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