it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
