You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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